No concept of the game
No knowledge, even, of its
Existence,
The gladiator is
Taken from summer sunlight and
Held in a close, dark room
Confused, until
The pitch and then even more
Bewildered in the brightness
Suddenly spinning through the
World remembered—
The tall grass,
Dry and sweet
Waving below
Brings comfort as
He moves through
The air towards
Home.
The crack of the bat
Sends a brief, instant, jolting
Shock of pain through everything
Just before leaving the park—
Homerun.
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5 comments:
I love the words in this poem--
gladiator--summer sunlight, bewildered in brightness, etc.
But I am confused. I feel like I'm maybe supposed to be confused. But i'm really concerned that someone is using a grasshopper as batting practice...is that what's going on?! Wow. Some beautiful images as well--"the tall grass/ Dry and sweet/Waving below" yeah. I dig that.
Maybe some punctuation or capitalization revision will help clarify--I know it's hard on the blog so if you want to send me an email that'd be cool too.
Yeah, it's pretty gruesome, pretty dark stuff. I remember this though, from childhood. There were three other boys in the neighborhood, two older ones who were brothers and one kid younger than I. It wasn't a regularly occuring thing, but something the two older ones thought up one summer day. We had a big field behind our houses, full of grasshoppers, and the game fascinated and shocked us, I think. The grossness of it all and the power was spectacular to boys of that age (probably 8 to 13 or so). I think boys are also just a bit cruel, or maybe trying to learn what cruelty is, or maybe just trying to impress or shock other boys. We were definitely feared by the grasshopper community. Anyways, I guess I was trying to expose that with this poem, trying to take the grasshopper's perspective to show how brutal it all really was--Something I didn't understand at that age.
Wow.
So...what is this recurring theme of pain going on right now?
I am definitely thinking about the subject, also.
I still think something is needed here. Hrm. I'm thinking:
1. stronger verb than taken in the 5th line. "is taken" is just too passive--and as you say, the brutality of the peice could really be drawn forth early on in the poem.
2.still some capitalization and punctuation things to make the poem flow and sort of tell the story--I can be more specific if you want.
3. I love the phrase "suddenly spinning through the/ world remembered--the tall grass,/ dry and sweet (comma here?)/waving below (another dash here?" those words together bring such image and emotion for me. Awesome.
4. I don't know that I like "instant" in the fourth-to-last line. It seems repetitive with the brief--but maybe you mean something else?
5. I also think the second to last line needs...some umph. a little more action that goes with your other words "jolt" "shock" "crack".
Just before...slamming out of the park? I dunno.
OK this is a gruesome poem when I think about it too hard. But it's truthful-like you said--finding the boundaries of cruelty is something kids (esp. boys) experiment with...just a part of life. wow. good stuff.
"Snatched" I think, is the word. I like that alliteration, but maybe it's too much. Thank you, Laura, for all your comments. I'll get to work. I want to stick with "leaving the park" though. I like it for its kind of anticlimatic aspect, actually. I see it not only as the physical action, but also as in leaving the world, or leaving life, like some kind of grasshopper spirit floating off to somewhere else. I think the ambiguity of "leaving" allows for this double meaning. Am I off here? What do you think? Maybe there's still a better word.
snatched. yea. Granted, I heart alliteration.
I definitely see what you mean about "leaving the park." Keep it. I can't believe that didn't occur to me before--it's a very beautiful idea.
I'm so excited about this blog--can you tell? i just can't keep away from it. Tell your friend Kyle to get his ass some poems up there.
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